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My motto for the month of November.

reatness_Shakespeare

Some say fear is learned. If you do not believe in fear then therefore you cannot experience it. I always wondered, if that was the case, can it be undone? I suppose it might be possible, but what if you feared failure your entire life?

Someone once told me I was afraid of success. At the time, I balked and guffawed (do women guffaw?) and said, “Hell, no!” And yet, it still took me several years to put my money where my mouth is (or should I say, my fingers) and wrote my first novel and published it. I still cringe when I get a review to see if someone thought it sucked. It wasn’t until recently I had to accept the fact some may think it sucks, even if others love it, but that doesn’t mean I should stop writing. Some never finished the book (either from boredom or just because it is a long book!) and never gave any insight to whether they liked it or not. Maybe some day they think it will be worth something?

failure

I am finding I still fear failure, but now is the time of mid-life crisis coming to call and I am answering with a big “HELLO!?” because I just don’t know what I want anymore. I was a seamstress for over 20 years and now my hands and back are paying the price for it. After making my daughter’s wedding dress for Halloween, I realized all the aches and pains were back. I then realized, I am going to have to accept sewing is going to be a hobby rather than a business for me now. It’s hard to accept after so many years, but I want to stop before my hands get worse and I cannot do anything at all.

My mother said I should keep sewing no matter what it does to me. After all, what would I be doing otherwise? I said housework and taking care of my dogs and family. She said, “So? Everyone does housework. You won’t be remembered for doing housework.” True, but then again, she never recognized the fact I help many dogs get out of shelters from my postings and begging people for donations just to save one little family of dogs from a gassing shelter. I also wrote my novel, so, it wasn’t as if I have done absolutely nothing with my life.

So if I don’t sew, what is my only other option? I have never worked a real job more than a few days in my life (not including my stint as a home health aide ages back straight out of high school) What else am I good at? What may I possibly succeed at that might make a difference and still bring me happiness? And what about money? My husband struggles with his job and ends up with pain in his knees and legs. Maybe I am already lazy and just didn’t realize it?

But, no. That isn’t it. I had to stop listening to that niggling voice in my head saying “You suck because you don’t make money with anything you do” and “You’ll never amount to anything” and “You won’t be remembered”. I think my favorite thing from my past that still gets dredged up is the fact I was a teen mother. I had my daughter as a senior in high school. My guidance counselor told me I might as well quit after missing 4 months thanks to pre-term labor. I proved her wrong-I graduated and I made up every test and every homework assignment. I was going to be something, if nothing more than a high school graduate.

Thinking back to that and all I have done since, I decided to write, not as a hobby any longer, but with the blessing of my husband, to go for the gold and open my mouth and write with it (well, my hands, but you get what I mean). I may write run-on sentences or sometimes use the wrong verb tense, but in general among my ramblings there is usually a lesson to be learned or something to be told.

success

I might not be a millionaire when I die. Hell, I will be lucky if I make my mortgage payment, have enough money for food and gas and still buy Christmas presents for my little family next month. But I have come further than last year as I had just bought a house and had so much go wrong, I didn’t even have anything but a dining room table and chairs for furniture other than my beds and dressers in my house. I had spent every dime I had to fix what I could and get a new car and feed my family while our finances decided to sneak up and bite us in the ass finally.

I might be discovered for my thoughts and my movement of “We, the People” instead of “We, the Sheeple” in this country of ours. I might be discovered for campaigning for women’s rights to have much needed surgery for endometriosis without countless months of pain and suffering. I might end up being known for saving dogs and cats, focusing on pregnant Mamas left behind or them with their litters begging for freedom and to live.

All I know is I will find out what I am meant to do and have an epiphany at some point. Until then I am just going to go with the flow and see where it takes me. It is going to be an adventure since I really don’t know where I am headed.

“Be Not Afraid …

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One comment on ““Be Not Afraid …

  1. Pingback: When You’re Afraid, Do It Anyway | Faith Simone

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